When my daughter was first diagnosed with cancer the overriding feeling that it created in me was a feeling of numbness, of complete and utter disbelief. Now four years and four months after that life changing moment (two years four months since she lost her fight), I now am able to understand and see clearly the journey that I have been on.
My journey began a long time before that catastrophic day with an appointment to see an acupuncturist called Mary who began to help me to know me, as up to this time I now know I was a lost soul, striving to exist in a world that I let control me. To struggle with many situations that I encountered and to find solace wallowing in self pity. This was my way of coping and I believed, or did not even think about what I believed, I just did. Really this was a way of blocking anything that was outside my comfort zone, so I did not have to face life’s ups and downs. But really all this did was to encompass me in a very dark and frightening world, where I had no control or choice over my path in life. In other words I was a victim and not only that I was complicit in the action, or I would now describe it as non-action that I chose.
I believe that our world is moving so fast and changing at a great pace that more and more people are finding it an ever-increasing problem to cope with every day life, and many people choose inaction rather than action. I keep using the word choose as I now understand that it was my choice to behave in this way. To let the world outside of me dictate the way I behaved. I chose not to be in control of my life. This is the greatest lesson that I have learned, but it has not been easy to reach this understanding and after Mary I have sought out many other people to help me continue along this wonderful, ever evolving path of learning that I have willingly embraced.
This is where alternative therapies are so important. They do not judge us. They do not dictate to us, they do not force us along a certain path where we are setting all our sights on a predestined outcome. They are there to encourage and support and we have the choice to decide if we will embark on this journey and what we will absorb from the support we are given. We choose what we will pack in our suitcase of life to take us on our onward journey. The tools we need to be our own person, to move forward with a true understanding of who we are and always to sit comfortably with ourselves. For as it is said “Who do we spend the most time with?” The answer in case you didn’t know – OURSELVES. If we are true to ourselves then we have more to give to other people, to truly choose our destiny.
You may ask how this can be applied to the diagnosis of cancer that, in my case was for my daughter or may be for yourself. I believe that when you know that you have choice about everything then you are no longer a victim, you find a strength of character that puts you in control of the situation, not the other way around. I can hear you saying, “but how can you be in control of something that you do not want?” This somehow comes back to choice, that we would not choose to have this disease and I cannot argue with that, but while you are focusing on the fact that you have the disease, the disease is controlling you. Once you focus on the choices that you have in order to strengthen the steps that you will take, to put you in control of your destiny, then you are no longer a victim. You are a survivor in the true sense of the word.
My daughter was very strong during her treatment and wherever she could took control, she decided the right steps for her to take and again was surrounded with people who loved and supported her. Her boyfriend Andy was one in a million and could always make her laugh even in the darkest moments. I also believe that being able to laugh in the face of adversity is as much a tonic as any medicine. It somehow takes the darkness out of even the worst situation, even if only for a short time. When she decided to embark on her first course of chemotherapy she did not wait for her hair to fall out, but decided on the moment to shave her hair off. She chose to buy a wig, but she only wore it at school, where she was a primary school teacher (really she did this for the children). At other times she stood tall, wearing no wig or scarf, again her choice, no one else’s. The Christmas before she died in the February was a difficult time, she reached her lowest ebb, but again an earthly angel appeared in a wonderful life coach called Sue. The world of alternative therapies is truly wonderful. She helped her to rise above the darkness, which was threatening to encompass her and gave her different tools to enable her to take back her control. One was to keep a book of gratitude, where every day she made an entry. At the beginning of the book she entered:
GRATITUDE
I am truly grateful for every one of the following things to be
within my life as I know it!
I am truly grateful for every one of the following things to be
within my life as I know it!
She kept this diary from the 17 January 2008 until she died on 24 February 2008
Her first entry was obviously testing the water and getting to grips with writing her thoughts:
I am grateful to be living in Hertford where we have absolutely
no flood warnings at present.
no flood warnings at present.
Some of her other entries are as follows, some make us laugh, some cry, but we know she knew how much she was loved and how much she loved us. She never showed us this while she was doing it and it enabled her to focus on the positives. I believe that in any bad situation you can always without exception find positives. I believe we are on this planet to learn and every situation good or bad (if you want to label them that), enables us to grow and develop.
I am grateful to have Andy in my life, I know he will be there for me whenever I need him. He will always brighten my life with laughter. I am very lucky.
I am really grateful to have the good friends that I have been blessed with. I love them dearly and know that they will always be there for me and I for them, in whatever way needed.
I am very grateful to have the luxury of always having someone there with me or very close by to rely on and lean on for support and energy. I will embrace this generosity and appreciate it even more now I have thought about it.
I am grateful also that Dad has managed to make it down to the hospital. This has given Mum a nice break from me and also offered her with a bit of support, as she has been working herself up into a mess. So hopefully a few hours with Dad will keep her a bit stronger for a little while longer. She is doing fantastically amazingly and I couldn’t wish for anything better or rather anyone better.
I am really grateful to have the good friends that I have been blessed with. I love them dearly and know that they will always be there for me and I for them, in whatever way needed.
I am very grateful to have the luxury of always having someone there with me or very close by to rely on and lean on for support and energy. I will embrace this generosity and appreciate it even more now I have thought about it.
I am grateful also that Dad has managed to make it down to the hospital. This has given Mum a nice break from me and also offered her with a bit of support, as she has been working herself up into a mess. So hopefully a few hours with Dad will keep her a bit stronger for a little while longer. She is doing fantastically amazingly and I couldn’t wish for anything better or rather anyone better.
For me I now know that when we received that devastating news in February 2006 I had to find a way of coping and at that time the only way I was able to continue and move through was to separate my inner emotional being from my human body. I have been standing behind myself watching my progress through this troubled time, as if a bystander, sometimes not believing how I was able to interact with everyone around me. Very often feeling in turmoil inside, but knowing that I needed to continue in life giving support to myself, my daughter and others.
Colin has needed to focus on this charity drive, it has given him a purpose and a knowing that he is helping others moving through dark times. He has also helped me, by asking me to write my story. It set me on a path out of the tunnel and back into the light, back into the real world. I think for me I needed that time away to give me strength and a new zest for life. Two weeks after writing Laura’s Story I went to see a friend called Jan who is a Healer and she helped me to step back into my body. I feel as if a veil has been lifted. But what I do know is that although I would not have wished for the journey that I have been given, I have been given it. I have learnt so much about myself and others. I feel very honoured that Laura chose to be my daughter and helped to make me the person I am today. Confidant and complete in myself and grateful for my life and everyone in it.
I believe that life is a journey. Each of us moves through this journey in our own way. People come into and touch upon our lives and we can choose to share our experiences to aid us in moving forward along our individual path.
I would like to share a poem that I have written, which really expresses my thoughts and feelings along my path:
Moving On
I climbed the hill up to the top
And then I saw a mighty drop.
Should I go back the way I’d come,
Or trust the way and carry on.
You might think this an easy decision,
But you’re not looking with my vision.
The way I’d come was hard and long,
My fear is whether to carry on.
I know in my heart the choice to make,
But heart and head are never mates.
They pull you one way, then the next.
So which way is the safest bet?
I know I will have to soldier on.
To not look back but forge straight on.
But fear is ever at my side.
Will I fall and hurt my pride.
Be brave – fight on –
Move ever upwards.
Stay focused – strong.
Win through – move on.
I climbed the hill up to the top
And then I saw a mighty drop.
Should I go back the way I’d come,
Or trust the way and carry on.
You might think this an easy decision,
But you’re not looking with my vision.
The way I’d come was hard and long,
My fear is whether to carry on.
I know in my heart the choice to make,
But heart and head are never mates.
They pull you one way, then the next.
So which way is the safest bet?
I know I will have to soldier on.
To not look back but forge straight on.
But fear is ever at my side.
Will I fall and hurt my pride.
Be brave – fight on –
Move ever upwards.
Stay focused – strong.
Win through – move on.
